I'm struggling lately with the reactions people have to our divorce.
People have their own values and ideas of what is right or wrong and they start looking for someone to blame or to find fault with. They judge. They haven't walked in our shoes. They haven't lived in our house. They haven't been a part of our relationship or family life and yet - they judge. They want to pick a side and figure out who did what horrible thing and who was wronged and they gossip about how bad it is that my husband and I didn't stay together forever and how wrong of a decision we have made as a couple and how it will hurt our children. They presume to know what is best for us. They assume Jeff and I are unhappy with each other right now. I find that so strange.
We're aware of their negative energy being directed this way and it seems odd because Jeff and I aren't doing that to one another. It seems to me we are happier than we have been in a very long time. Their reactions have nothing to do with us. Their reactions are completely about them.
I am ever so thankful for the people in our lives who already understand or who are open to understanding. We are blessed to have so many people who want to help us figure it all out and who are offering their support along the way. I have never felt so encompassed.
It is an interesting thing to have your world ending and beginning at the very same time - and quite strange to be judged for it. We are releasing the past, living in the present and creating our futures together. Anyone focused on creation is welcome in our lives.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Changes
What brings me back to blog land after being gone so long that I wasn't sure I'd remember my blogger password? Well, I'm getting divorced and want to document this journey a bit.
I'm going to start at the very beginning and by talking about my intuition. I met a guy. The very first time we met my intuition - literally like a voice in my head - said to me - "This is never going to work". I didn't listen. He had a big smile and was a great guy and instead we fell in love and moved in together and got married and had two children. But it didn't work. It wasn't working. Nothing was wrong yet everything was wrong. I was depressed and sad and crabby and irritable. I felt stuck. I talked about it with people for years and I talked about it with my husband and eventually one day laying in bed talking about what we should do - he said - he thought we should get divorced. It was the day before our 8 year wedding anniversary. We'd been together for over 13 years.
That was a bit over 2 weeks ago.
Since then we've started the process of telling everyone. That has been an interesting experience. A lot of people are shocked. A lot of people cry. A lot of people ask if we've tried counseling. A lot of people say they are sorry. Old friends offer support. New friends become closer friends. People pull together and offer their love and support and prayers and thoughts and energy and help. Who knew we had such a great network of friends? To you all - we apologize for the surprise and for any of your own relationship re-evaluating you've done because of our relationship unraveling. We truly are all connected. What impacts one does ripple out and impact all.
We're still in the process of telling people. And for those we haven't told yet - or will tell today - or will tell later - or who will find out from other people - we apologize for not telling you sooner - but some things are better done in person - and we find it hard to tell more than 1-2 people a day. We find that people take the news the best when they can see and talk to both of us and know that we are both still doing okay.
I don't want to imply that it has been easy. It has been hard. I have been exhausted. The hardest part was years of being in a relationship that wasn't working and didn't fit. We've already been through hell and now we're on our way back. Our relationship wasn't healthy for us and it was hurting our kids. It is time for something new. The hardest part was not knowing what to do. The easy part was deciding to get divorced. The unknowns were hard. Where would I live? How does one find a new/2nd home when our incomes haven't changed and we can hardly afford the one that we have? How do we now suddenly afford 2 electric bills and 2 homes and 2 beds for Kira and 2 beds for Will? How do we do that when we still earn the same amount of money and were going into debt before?
You just do it - you become unstuck - and allow life to flow again - and it all works out.
I found an apartment. It is close by. We can bike to and from both homes. It is in the same neighborhood. I start to move in mid-Sept but will still sleep here. We'll transition the kids in October after things settle down with school starting. It has 2 pools - indoor and outdoor. It has a playground. The windows face west so we'll get plenty of sunshine in the afternoon and the evenings when we are there the most. We may have floor picnics for a while. The first thing I'm moving is my plants.
It makes me realize I've never lived alone. I still won't be alone because my children will be there but I've never lived without another adult around. I lived with my parents and 4 siblings. Then I moved in with Jeff. This will be the first time I've lived alone in that sense. I will make that a temporary home for my children and myself and I can't wait.
I will trust my instincts. They speak to me very clearly and I am very attuned to what is right in my life. I just haven't always listened in the past. I'm sure I've written about that before. How I used to be irritated when my intuition told me something and I wanted to do something else. I used to say "no". Then I used to say "fine". Now I say "yes" and "thanks".
That is what this divorce feels like to me. It feels like we are going with the flow and doing what is right. Nobody is falling apart and nobody is hating on the other person. We're both still living in this house and sleeping in our bed and raising our kids and calling each other "honey" while we talk about who gets what furniture and how much child support is affordable and what the custody and parenting time arrangements will be. We got married together and we're getting divorced together and we'll still support each other along the way. I can appreciate Jeff's gifts the most from this slight distance. Like a friend told me long time ago about her divorce, "We got out while we're still friends".
I went to go see Eat Pray Love at the movies last night not realizing it was about this lady and her divorce. It was fitting. A blue book on my bookshelf caught my eye this morning. I'd bought it long ago but never read it. I pulled it off the shelf feeling like reading and wondering what it was about only to see the title: Falling Apart In One Piece - one optimist's journey through the hell of divorce. There was even a comment by Elizabeth Gilbert the author of Eat Pray Love right there on the front cover. Love it.
As much as this is the right thing for us, I realize it will be hard and life-changing for the kids. We told William we were getting divorced. He handled it pretty well. Then one day we were talking and he asked, "You mean when you get divorced that you won't be married any more?" and that made him sad. He was so worried that we didn't love each other anymore. It helps him to know that mom and dad still do love each other but that we'll be happier having two homes. There will be less "arguement conversations". William believes us and knows this to be true. There has been so much less tension and fighting and irritation and sadness around here lately. That is very good for the kids. I want them to grow up seeing healthy relationships and healthy communication and happy adults and a different kind of love.
I want them to do what is right for them and to always listen to their intuition and to go with the flow as they move through life. I never want them to feel stuck but when they do, I want them to learn how to move past that and know that everything will always be okay.
I'm going to start at the very beginning and by talking about my intuition. I met a guy. The very first time we met my intuition - literally like a voice in my head - said to me - "This is never going to work". I didn't listen. He had a big smile and was a great guy and instead we fell in love and moved in together and got married and had two children. But it didn't work. It wasn't working. Nothing was wrong yet everything was wrong. I was depressed and sad and crabby and irritable. I felt stuck. I talked about it with people for years and I talked about it with my husband and eventually one day laying in bed talking about what we should do - he said - he thought we should get divorced. It was the day before our 8 year wedding anniversary. We'd been together for over 13 years.
That was a bit over 2 weeks ago.
Since then we've started the process of telling everyone. That has been an interesting experience. A lot of people are shocked. A lot of people cry. A lot of people ask if we've tried counseling. A lot of people say they are sorry. Old friends offer support. New friends become closer friends. People pull together and offer their love and support and prayers and thoughts and energy and help. Who knew we had such a great network of friends? To you all - we apologize for the surprise and for any of your own relationship re-evaluating you've done because of our relationship unraveling. We truly are all connected. What impacts one does ripple out and impact all.
We're still in the process of telling people. And for those we haven't told yet - or will tell today - or will tell later - or who will find out from other people - we apologize for not telling you sooner - but some things are better done in person - and we find it hard to tell more than 1-2 people a day. We find that people take the news the best when they can see and talk to both of us and know that we are both still doing okay.
I don't want to imply that it has been easy. It has been hard. I have been exhausted. The hardest part was years of being in a relationship that wasn't working and didn't fit. We've already been through hell and now we're on our way back. Our relationship wasn't healthy for us and it was hurting our kids. It is time for something new. The hardest part was not knowing what to do. The easy part was deciding to get divorced. The unknowns were hard. Where would I live? How does one find a new/2nd home when our incomes haven't changed and we can hardly afford the one that we have? How do we now suddenly afford 2 electric bills and 2 homes and 2 beds for Kira and 2 beds for Will? How do we do that when we still earn the same amount of money and were going into debt before?
You just do it - you become unstuck - and allow life to flow again - and it all works out.
I found an apartment. It is close by. We can bike to and from both homes. It is in the same neighborhood. I start to move in mid-Sept but will still sleep here. We'll transition the kids in October after things settle down with school starting. It has 2 pools - indoor and outdoor. It has a playground. The windows face west so we'll get plenty of sunshine in the afternoon and the evenings when we are there the most. We may have floor picnics for a while. The first thing I'm moving is my plants.
It makes me realize I've never lived alone. I still won't be alone because my children will be there but I've never lived without another adult around. I lived with my parents and 4 siblings. Then I moved in with Jeff. This will be the first time I've lived alone in that sense. I will make that a temporary home for my children and myself and I can't wait.
I will trust my instincts. They speak to me very clearly and I am very attuned to what is right in my life. I just haven't always listened in the past. I'm sure I've written about that before. How I used to be irritated when my intuition told me something and I wanted to do something else. I used to say "no". Then I used to say "fine". Now I say "yes" and "thanks".
That is what this divorce feels like to me. It feels like we are going with the flow and doing what is right. Nobody is falling apart and nobody is hating on the other person. We're both still living in this house and sleeping in our bed and raising our kids and calling each other "honey" while we talk about who gets what furniture and how much child support is affordable and what the custody and parenting time arrangements will be. We got married together and we're getting divorced together and we'll still support each other along the way. I can appreciate Jeff's gifts the most from this slight distance. Like a friend told me long time ago about her divorce, "We got out while we're still friends".
I went to go see Eat Pray Love at the movies last night not realizing it was about this lady and her divorce. It was fitting. A blue book on my bookshelf caught my eye this morning. I'd bought it long ago but never read it. I pulled it off the shelf feeling like reading and wondering what it was about only to see the title: Falling Apart In One Piece - one optimist's journey through the hell of divorce. There was even a comment by Elizabeth Gilbert the author of Eat Pray Love right there on the front cover. Love it.
As much as this is the right thing for us, I realize it will be hard and life-changing for the kids. We told William we were getting divorced. He handled it pretty well. Then one day we were talking and he asked, "You mean when you get divorced that you won't be married any more?" and that made him sad. He was so worried that we didn't love each other anymore. It helps him to know that mom and dad still do love each other but that we'll be happier having two homes. There will be less "arguement conversations". William believes us and knows this to be true. There has been so much less tension and fighting and irritation and sadness around here lately. That is very good for the kids. I want them to grow up seeing healthy relationships and healthy communication and happy adults and a different kind of love.
I want them to do what is right for them and to always listen to their intuition and to go with the flow as they move through life. I never want them to feel stuck but when they do, I want them to learn how to move past that and know that everything will always be okay.
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